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As the New Year approaches, people all around the world are preparing to take part in a cornerstone tradition of modern society: writing a list of New Year’s Resolutions and completely abandoning them by January 12th. You may want to eat healthier and be more active, or spend quality time with the people you love. It’ll pass.
For the luckiest among us — the stoners — there is an all-natural guide to perfectly executing your yearly routine of swearing off all of the bad stuff you’ll be doing again within a week, and it’s so easy that literally anyone can follow it, now matter how high you are.
SATIVA TO WRITE YOUR LIST
Since this is the step that involves actually getting things done, you’re going to want the upward, creative boost of a Blue Dream or Houndstooth that will have your ideas for self-improvement pouring out of you. The consequent paranoia will be essential for the self-reflection needed to pinpoint exactly which flaws require the most attention, and give you a lot more to think about once you retreat back to the couch after those one and a half 5k runs. While your energy is up, get your ass to Whole Foods to load up on sorghum, chia seeds and kombucha to fuel the “new you.” Just remember to get some kettle chips while you’re there, because you’ll be using…
INDICA TO IGNORE YOUR LIST
Now that a few days have passed, during which a few weights were lifted and desserts were skipped, you’ve decided that maybe today is too cold for a jog or you’re just too hungry for brown rice and kale. Boy, does White Rhino OG have something special for you. Fall into a beanbag chair and fire up “Spaced” for the 23rd time. Those kettle chips won’t eat themselves, motherfucker! Just lie back and enjoy; you don’t have to do a thing until next year.
HYBRIDS TO FUNDAMENTALLY ALTER HOW YOU PERCEIVE YEAR-END LISTS
If we want to experience a little of both worlds, we can always pack a bowl of Wedding Cake and consider the merits of the Julian calendar, or the fact that the lunar calendar is far more relevant to the human life cycle than the position of the Earth relative to the Sun (which is also hurtling through space) and because of our 24-hour day we have to keep adding or removing days every so often or the whole thing collapses. This, at least, will give you a few extra weeks to make your list, even if the cosmic futility of the activity has been laid bare.
Kyle Stanley resolves to quit promoting himself. @KGordonStanley on Twitter.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.