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COLUMBUS, Ohio — Acclaimed teen horror author and ardent wearer of glasses R.L. Stine is allegedly very suspicious that his gas mask bong might be haunted, with the potential to unleash unspeakable terror along with obliterating highs.
“That thing gives me the creeps,” Stine remarked while clutching his backpack. “Sure, it’s way cooler than any other bong I’ve ever seen and it rips super smooth, but sometimes I feel like I can hear it’s ghastly voice whispering to me in the night. Plus, the carbuncle-faced old man I stole it from seemed pretty panicked about losing it… even though I’m not sure why he’s trying to sell bongs from a novelty shop in the woods. Either way, I’ll get rid of it after using it three more times while I say my dead uncle’s name into a mirror. Where’s the danger in that?”
Stine’s family is notably concerned for his safety, citing an increased peculiarity in his behavior since he acquired the gas mask bong.
“My little R.L. is becoming a big boy too darn fast,” said his mother Anne forlornly. “I know he’s an accomplished author whose books have sold over 400 million copies, but that doesn’t mean he’s too grown up to don a vampire costume his mother spent 40 whole minutes putting together before he goes and gets way too high and scares the bejesus out of himself.”
“It just worries me that he’s been so distant since he got that gas mask bong,” she added. “I’m also pretty sure I saw spiders crawling in and out of his eyes earlier today, which can’t be a good sign.”
In the past, some of Stine’s friends and acquaintances cautioned him of the dangers of stealing paraphernalia from an elderly loon selling wares from a shack in the forest — a warning some say has gone unheeded one too many times.
“I knew that stupid thing was nothing but trouble,” proclaimed Carly Beth Caldwell, who procured a similar gas mask bong just last year. “The first time you wear it, sure, you get the cleanest rips imaginable and you feel like a masked weed god of Halloween. But then it sinks it’s hooks into you, and before you know it, you’re contending with spooky-ass ghost heads while trying to bury the damn thing in a graveyard. Poor kid should have followed my lead and dressed as a sexy duck, but he was too stubborn to listen to old Carly Beth.”
After using the gas mask bong those final three times, Stine reportedly deposited it into the dumpster of an abandoned house, where he subsequently discovered an alluring ventriloquist’s dummy named Slappy.
Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.
