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With Christmas fast approaching, and holiday songs in full swing, it was inevitable you’d be bombarded with Mariah Carey’s Christmas classic, “All I Want for Christmas Is You,” at some point.
But no one ever expected it to be this bad. And here you are, in Macy’s, surrounded by every possible gift and holiday decoration idea under the sun, and baked off your ass. And if that song isn’t on a loop right now… boy howdy, it sure feels like it is. Is this the 9th time you heard it in Macy’s, or just the 9th time you’ve heard it today?
So, which is it? Is that Mariah Carey song actually playing on a loop, or are you way too high to be in this Macy’s right now? Take the quiz and find out!
All answers are either “yes” or “no.” If you come to a question and your answer isn’t either of those choices, the answer is almost definitely “yes.”
- Did you smoke?
- Are you in a Macy’s?
- Is it that time of year between Thanksgiving and Christmas?
- Are you currently lost in that luggage section on the 3rd floor?
- Stop for a second and think: Is there even music playing?
- Did you think the song said “All I want for Christmas is food” and then get super hungry?
- Should we run over to the Cinnabon kiosk in the mall?
- Have you been trying to figure out how to pronounce Yves Saint Laurent for the last 9 hours?
- Do the perfume smells all mix together to remind you of that time you fell asleep in the subway station?
- Does the song seem slower than usual?
Follow up: do you think it’s because the nature of the sound system creates the illusion of the song wavering?
Follow up follow up: is it instead because maybe the Macy’s sound system is set to the wrong bitrate, so all the music is played back at the wrong speed?
- Are you way too high to be in this Macy’s right now?
- Did you come here to get something? Were you with someone? Did you just kinda wander in?
- You sure?
- Do you even remember arriving, or is this like “Inception” where you don’t realize it’s a dream until you wake up?
- Are you asleep?
- Are you even sure this is a Macy’s? Could it be Sears, Neiman Marcus, Lord and Taylor, or even a JC Penney?
- Have you ever thought about how what I perceive as green could be blue to you, but since we label them accordingly, we would never know?
- Is that Mariah Carey song playing on loop?
- Are you way too high to be in a Macy’s right now?
If you said YES to questions 1, 2, 5, 6, and 9 – 13, the answer is BOTH, that Mariah Carey song is playing on loop AND you’re way too high to be in this Macy’s right now.
If you said YES to questions 3, 4, 7, 8, and 14 – 19, the answer is ALSO BOTH, that Mariah Carey song is playing on loop AND you’re way too high to be in this Macy’s right now.
You should probably go home and take a nap as soon as possible.
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.