QUINCY, Mass. — In the latest attempt to lure cannabis-conscious Christmas customers, poinsettias, the perennial flower of Christmas, are now also available in select dispensaries as Poinsettia Oil, a new holiday product from the research lab at Abbott-Wigh Industries. However, despite its patents and federal approval for use with tea lights and as a balm, consumer advocate Kat Arthur insists the oil is completely without benefit. “Hundreds of thousands of dollars were spent on development just to hop on the therapeutic oils train. Is it essential? If shitting yourself and throwing up while smelling like a compost fart is essential to you, then stock up. They didn’t even try to remove the toxin — if anything, they made it 100 times easier for children and pets to accidentally ingest!” While the flower’s natural toxin is not fatal to humans, Abbott-Wigh has halted testing on their experimental Poinsettia Shatter after several test subjects themselves became mildly toxic. 

Kyle Stanley stands with the florists on twitter @KGordonStanley