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It’s National No Smoking Day, and you know what that means! If you’re going to smoke weed today, make sure to hold all of the smoke in until there’s nothing left when you finally exhale. Never mind the red-cheeked, chest-clutching, and utterly demonic coughs that follow — if the smoke disappears, you’re in the clear!

And according to my high school dealer, you are actually supposed to hold your breath when smoking weed to get even more stoned. My college biology professor later told me that was an urban legend and that holding in the smoke like that increases your lungs’ exposure to carcinogens and even kills brain cells due to a lack of oxygen — but that guy also tried to convince me the human body is 75% water, so I’m pretty sure he can’t be trusted.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.