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BETHLEHEM, Israel — Israeli archaeologists have reportedly found new evidence that the lining of baby Jesus’s manger probably consisted of hemp, pointing to a high likelihood that the miracle birth was “almost definitely a better party than we thought.”
“Using a variety of fecal analytic techniques on fossilized donkey droppings, we found that hemp was a major component of livestock animals’ diets during the days of Jesus,” reported Tel Aviv University head archaeologist Shahar Begen. “It would then be very likely that the manger which held Jesus would also be filled with hemp, and could explain why Jesus was reportedly so calm. Heck, in that time, if you had frankincense and myrrh, you probably had at least CBD in some form there, too.”
Other researchers and archaeologists agreed, positing some additional theories of their own.
“Indeed, if they had hemp, there’s reason to believe they could’ve been smoking the female plant as well,” added fellow researcher Chaim Wentz. “It’s well known that Jesus was a long-haired, bearded hippie who loved preaching about peace and love and sharing, which just screams ‘cannabis consumer.’ Plus, he once produced enough food to feed 5,000 people, with 12 baskets of food left over afterwards? That sounds like a classic case of someone with the munchies who overestimated how much food they actually needed to make. I think we’ve all been there.”
“And don’t forget, we always get this immaculate version of Jesus’ birth with Mary looking all calm and collected in an age without epidurals,” added University of Haifa research fellow Dr. Barbara Greenblatt. “Me thinks that Mary might have had some other calming factors, if you know what I mean.”
Further evidence of the presence of hemp during the birth of Christ may be provided by modern farmers, who offer some insights as to why hemp would be useful as an animal feed.
“The phrase ‘stubborn as a mule’ isn’t just some urban legend. I often have trouble getting my mules and donkeys to listen to me,” reported farmer Terry Higgins. “With all of the hype around CBD and other products, I thought I might try incorporating some of my new hemp crop in with the normal alfalfa blend. Suddenly, all of my animals are much calmer and more amenable to my directions. They’ve also developed a taste for Cheetos. Regardless, it’s turned me into a believer.”
As for how the revelations might affect modern Christianity, Catholic cannabis consumer Father Erik Redmond found his faith stronger than ever.
“Jesus was a healer, and so is cannabis,” said Redmond. “Therefore, it should be no surprise that hemp has made its way into the nativity scene as it has. I mean, after all, Genesis 1:29 says that God has given ‘every seed bearing plant to you as food,’ and that’s gotta include edibles. Cannabis is proof that there is a God, and that He loves us.”
In response to the news, the Pope announced that his hat would now feature a big cannabis leaf, and all of the papal robes will be hemp woven as well.
Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stephenbell6/
