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SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — Multiple reports confirm today that a Sioux Falls man has settled on his New Year’s Resolution, seeking to find an employer that doesn’t study his urine once a month.
“I’ve just had enough at this point. It seems like every time I’m finally having a good week, the dork from HR gives me a slip saying they have to study my urine again. It seriously creeps me the fuck out,” said 44-year-old compliance manager Charlie Miller. “These last few years have been really rough on me — I used cannabis to treat my anxiety, but it’s unfortunately not allowed here yet, and is still seen as taboo all across South Dakota. Yeah, we legalized it, but of course our boss sent out an email the day after, saying they still will make use of their right to ensure a drug-free work zone.”
“I started here back when I was fresh out of college and desperate for a job,” he added, “but now that I have some experience under my belt, I’m checking out places that don’t invade my privacy once a month.”
“When I got word that Charlie was finally looking to leave that budless hellhole, I sparked up a J right there in celebration,” stated Charlie’s old college roommate Kyle Durinder. “I was so excited that I forgot I was in the middle of the line at the DMV, which got me a few nasty looks… but who cares! My boy’s back! I’ll even write the bastard’s cover letters for him if it has the slight chance to help us blaze together again like old times.”
Miller’s employer Cramer-Burnett released a statement regarding their policies and Miller’s status.
“I’ve been drug tested for as long as I remember. It’s just the Cramer-Burnett way,” remarked agency CEO Ted Benson. “I don’t get why we should change our policy just because some dirty hippy states made pot legal to fund their failed, leftest government. When I heard South Dakota was legalizing it, all I could think was, ‘Welp! There goes the neighborhood!’ I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: weed is the devil. Charlie should just get drunk and depressed every night, like every other South Dakotan. Then he’ll finally fit in.”
Durinder is indeed coaching Miller on seeking new employment. His first tip? “Wait until at least the second interview to bring up a company’s drug testing policy,” he suggested. “Recruiters seem to be total squares.”
Christopher Charles Jones is a writer and video producer for a variety of international brands and resides in a lovely New England town that is much nicer than where he grew up in Missouri. IG: @Chris_Jones_Creates
