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BEND, Or. — Area stoner and outspoken critic of commercialism Tyler Wharton was overheard decrying the greed and insincerity behind Valentine’s Day a mere forty minutes after spending three days wages on a limited edition bubbler, sources confirmed.
“The whole concept is just so phony,” complained Wharton, whose recent Google searches include “KFC swag” and “how to buy NFT’s.” “The media gets everyone thinking that unless they buy a bunch of unnecessary bullshit, they aren’t loving partners. It’s a manipulative ploy. I, for one, want to see to invest in something meaningful, like this new piece I got! It cost the same as three months’ utilities, but there’s a picture of a dolphin on it, and Snoop Dogg endorsed it on Instagram. Now that’s value!”
Wharton expresses his dismay for corporate greed by refusing to spend any money on Valentine’s Day, or any other holiday that doesn’t entirely revolve around his interests.
“Those elitist fatcats will never get a dime out of me,” he continued while adjusting the zipper of his Supreme hoodie. “No dumb holographic cards on Valentine’s Day, none of those gross little coconut potato things on St. Patrick’s Day, no Easter eggs, no… oh shit, it’s 4:20! Time to break out this new tube and burn down some kush! Gosh, it’s so convenient that I can buy my weed and paraphernalia at the same place now. It’s an awesome one-stop shop, like Wal-Mart.”
While owners of area dispensaries like Alana Parsloe of CannabisMeds Rx in Portland prepare for Valentine’s Day with seasonal deals and specials, they reject the notion that they are participating in anything greedy or exploitative.
“One of the goals of our establishment is to maintain the anti-establishment culture that partly defines cannabis use,” explained Parsloe. “We acknowledge holidays by decorating and offering specials, but some of our customers don’t want to participate in that, and we respect their choice. Any customer who prefers to show solidarity by paying full price for discounted items is more than welcome to do so.”
At press time, Wharton’s girlfriend was seen helping him reluctantly select a tie to wear on their Valentine’s Day date to Carl’s Jr.
Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.
