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SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Standing on the Santa Monica Pier early on most afternoons, local artist Bryce MacIntosh gives the viewing public a free admission to “The Show” — hours on end of him puffing on several plastic, disposable vapes and creating sculptures from the empty cartridges while demanding the public celebrate Earth Day as a daily holiday. 

“Isn’t it great?” MacIntosh asked, standing next to a vape sculpture of Planet Earth drowning in a bathtub filled to the brim with garbage. “The garbage is the plastic the disposable vapes came in. Really makes you think, doesn’t it?”

Claiming that he worships “Mother Earth and Father Sky” and not “Second Cousin Pollution,” MacIntosh sees these wasteful products as the proper way to express his environmental opinions. “I needed material to build my projects, and all this bullshit was just laying around my apartment, so I decided to kill two birds with one stone,” he said. “Not that I’d kill actual birds. Unless they were like, Hitler birds or something.”

Walking potential buyers through his sculptures — a tree crying, the word “Ocean” being stabbed by the word “Humans” — many noted the sculptures had a distinct “mango-flavored, as if the mangoes survived a car fire” aroma. Hollering at passersby that Earth Day was “yesterday, today, and tomorrow,” MacIntosh unzipped his hoodie to reveal a T-shirt that read “EARTH DAY: It was yesterday, it’s today, and it’s tomorrow.” 

Perhaps unsurprisingly, MacIntosh has yet to see much in the way of sales. “Merch can be purchased using Bitcoin only!” MacIntosh told one potential customer, blowing a billowing cloud of vape smoke toward his merch stand to attract additional attention. “Paper money is still paper. Paperless currency is the most environmentally friendly, even if it takes millions of servers around the world working nonstop to track and trade.” 

On this particular day, undeterred from another day of slow sales, MacIntosh went back to work on his latest sculpture — a koala choking on a plastic straw — until the Santa Monica Block Watch called his mother to pick him up again and bring him home.

Michael Tannenbaum is a writer and actor. You can find him on Twitter: @iamTannenbaum

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

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