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AURORA, Ill. — Local teen Ashley Montas became the latest teen to call 911 today to ask law enforcement whether the “dangerous” houses giving THC gummies to trick-or-treaters might be in her neighborhood this year, and if so, which houses, specifically.
“I just want to know which houses I should avoid,” said the 18-year-old Montas, unconvincingly. “Like, if I can’t figure out where those gummies are, then like, who knows? I mean, I might accidentally get a bunch of them and it’ll be impossible to know what’s real candy and what could, you know, totally kill me or whatever.”
Many teens across the nation seem to share Montas’s concern. “We really need to be careful this year. I hear there’s gummies, chocolate bars, and even peanut butter cups we gotta watch out for. I’d really just hate to get the wrong ones,” said fellow teen Kevin Phillips of Bordentown, N.J. “We should, like, definitely stay away from those bad neighborhoods, just to be safe.”
“Yeah, like, what is this world coming to?” agreed Nancy Wang of Charlton, Mass., who organized a teenage neighborhood watch to try to keep tabs on which residents visited the local dispensary. “I guess you never know who is gonna slip you a super dangerous weed gummy, which would be awso… I mean, awful.”
Unsurprisingly, parents everywhere are also concerned about THC-infused edibles ending up in their children’s bags.
“You always hear horror stories about razor blades and needles and such, so I check all my son’s candy before I let him eat it, just to be safe,” said Pueblo, Colo. parent Eddie Correa. “I just hope that if some scumbag tries to sneak any THC candy into my son’s bag, they’re easy to identify, so, um… I can, you know… confiscate them without too much of a fuss.”
However, other parents are less worried. “If there are people doing this, I’d love to meet them, and find out what they do for a living that gives them so much money that they can go buy extra edibles to just give away to whomever knocks on their door,” said Livonia, Mich. parent Mallory Harper. “Each gummy costs, what, $6 apiece? Multiplied by 60, 80 kids? The people who are so scared of this recognize that all drugs, but especially cannabis, cost a lot of money, right?”
For their part, police departments nationwide overwhelmingly appreciate the concern, but want to reassure parents and teens that it’s still safe to trick-or-treat. “Parents should stay vigilant, but you can still let your kids put masks on and approach strangers’ houses after dark,” said Reggie Brigham, a police spokesperson for Clarence, N.Y. with a laugh. “And if you do find a house that’s giving away THC-infused candy, let us know, and we’ll head over there with a militia bigger than the Serbian army.”
When informed that local law enforcement doesn’t know of any specific house giving away edibles, Montas said, “Oh. Really? Yeah, trick-or-treating is stupid, actually. I’ll probably just go get drunk at a friend’s house instead.”
Bradley Machov is a writer and improviser in Minneapolis, MN. Follow him on Twitter @bradleymachov
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.