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For the vast majority of my younger life, March 17th was a nightmare that snuck up on me each year.

The bullies were relentless — and each year, my so-called “friends” gleefully kept secret the rapid approach of St. Patrick’s Day so they could mercilessly pinch me the whole day long for neglecting to wear anything green.

Those days were some of the very longest I have ever experienced. In fact, I have long suspected those pinches of subduing my earliest social confidences — and also giving me my most intense phobia (kabourophobia, or the fear of crabs) — but I can happily say … no more!

Ever since I started smoking cannabis (at the perfectly legal age of 21 and definitely not a day or several years sooner), St. Paddy’s Day is just like any other day of the week. I’m still not wearing green — because if there’s anything I learned in high school, it’s that people can’t wear green if they have blue eyes — but now I always keep a pinch of green on me anyway, if for nothing more than to keep me safe from those pinchy, grubby little fingers.

But mostly I just really like weed.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.