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SPRINGFIELD, Va. — The U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency announced today an update in their long-running pursuit of a man they claim leads one of the world’s most notorious drug smuggling operations, who managed to evade capture once again by allegedly “flying away on a magic sleigh” while laughing uproariously at their failure to catch him, according to the DEA’s report. 

“Last night we came within an inch of apprehending this dangerous criminal,” DEA spokesperson Carolyn Singh said. “We tracked him to a house in Cleveland and seemed to catch him by surprise as he made yet another drop of what we’re absolutely, positively sure are smuggled drugs. Unfortunately, he once again escaped justice by flying away on some type of magic sleigh, pulled by what our agents reported were deer or similar.”

“His escape was so brazen,” Singh added, “that as he flew off, he even taunted us with a full-bellied guffaw, a ‘Ho-ho-ho!’ that seems to be a catchphrase of some sort. He is routinely seen wearing an outfit of all red, and may have a long white beard. If you see or hear this man, do not approach him directly — we assume he is armed, dangerous, and if the amount of jolliness we saw is any indication, incredibly high.”

The DEA claims that, throughout the year, this mysterious kingpin solicits orders for all manner of legitimate goods — like plush toys and bicycles — as a cover for his more lucrative trade in cannabis and other illicit drugs. Then, in a flurry of activity, he fulfills every order from the year in one winter night. 

“Rest assured,” noted the DEA’s Deputy Administrator Louis Milione in a follow up, “that while this is certainly a setback, we will not stop our pursuit until this dangerous influence on our children is brought to justice.”

Unsurprisingly, nearly every citizen in America has been skeptical of the DEA’s report. “It’s just Santa Claus, right?” said Crandon, Ky. barista Miranda Soto. “Like… the DEA is just trying to capture Santa?”

“It’s unbelievable, is what it is,” agreed Lindsay Duvall, a lab tech and mother of three in Lubbock, Texas. “This is an actual War on Christmas. There are actual drug kingpins out there and the DEA is wasting resources on trying to catch Santa?! Thanks, Obama.” 

“I’ll tell you where to find him,” said Michel Chargois, a financial planner and keychain collector from Sunrise, Fla. “Literally any mall in the country. Go whenever! He’ll just be sitting right there – go and get him, DEA! Lock him up! Jesus Christ. Give me a break.”

The DEA is asking concerned citizens to look out for the covert signal customers use when they want a delivery from this notorious dealer — leaving a glass of milk and a plate of cookies visible through the front window — and to report any instances they see. “Our tip line is always open to narc on your neighbors,” Singh said.

Bradley Machov is a writer and improviser in Minneapolis, MN. Follow him on Twitter @bradleymachov

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

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