PINE BLUFF, Ark. — Uncle-in-charge and two-handed man Kai Walker is about to become neither by lighting his 4th of July fireworks with a large cone of homegrown, launching a “predictable amount of shit at an easily identified fan,” witnesses report. 

“He’s about to blow his flippin’ hand off on one’o’them big ones, and Bethany ain’t never gonna let him see her kids again,” said Naomi-Wynonna Kirchner, Walker’s future ex-wife, after her third attempt to persuade Walker to at least put on a long-sleeve shirt to protect himself from burns. “Look at how small the roach is getting — he’s 14 Coors in, and he’s still got the Mig 28 or whatever and the schoolhouse to go. He’ll be borrowing money with his left hand for the rest of his damn life, and I’m gonna have to reactivate my Christian Mingle account and practice my duckface.”

Walker, apparently unaware of any danger, was last seen using the last embers of his doobie to light the Roman candle wedged between his 11-year-old nephew’s butt cheeks. 

Kyle Stanley is bringing him in closer, Merlin. @KGordonStanley on Twitter.