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Happy (almost) 4/20 everyone! As you know, this is international “smoke a shit-ton of weed” day. It also happens to be the birthday of infamous genocidal German Third Reich leader, Adolf Hitler, which makes it a weird sort of holiday for the wrong kind of people. 

That’s why I say we fight back, and turn 4/20 into a day that celebrates both cannabis culture and punching stupid Nazi fucks in the face.

I mean, sure — smoking a blunt is definitely a pleasurable experience. But imagine doubling your pleasure by punching a Nazi while high! Instead of tossing your joint on the ground when you’re done with it and littering, why not place that smoldering roach into the gas tank of some avowed white supremacist’s car? Or perhaps you’ve ripped your bong for the 9th time today, and the water is starting to get a bit rank. Pouring that shit into a Nazis’ coffee while they aren’t looking is a perfect way to recycle used bong water. Let your high imagination fly!

Take it from me: the key to a proper Nazi-punching, smoke-tastic 4/20 is proper planning. A pretty typical schedule could follow something like this: wake up early and smoke a blunt. Brew some extra hot tea, but make double: one cup for yourself, and one to throw in some Nazi’s face or crotch (be sure to keep that coffee in a good, insulated Thermos, so it doesn’t lose its heat). If they give chase, just punch them in the face, and then rip your vape and blow a fat cloud — both to mask your escape, and to celebrate. It’s a holiday, after all, and you just double-gifted yourself.

Afterwards, go and get yourself a good lunch. You’ll need your strength for more Nazi punching. Might I recommend supporting a Black- or Latinx-owned restaurant, just to piss off more Nazis?

Naturally, this should be followed up by another nice, fat blunt — find a quiet, private place somewhere outside to reflect on how you’d like to spend the rest of the day. If you live in the South, I particularly recommend spending your afternoon at the local Confederate monument — after all, everybody has to poop sometime, and if you catch any flack for it, well… anyone who objects to defecating on the grave of Robert E. Lee is presumably a Nazi, and is fair game for punching. Finally, go home, make yourself a hearty dinner (you deserve it!), and put on some “Adventure Time” to celebrate a day of good deeds.

Now, if punching Nazis isn’t something you’re comfortable with, that’s OK — not everyone has the stomach to punch anyone, let alone Nazis. But if that’s the case, it would be real cool of you to share your stash with any local ANTIFA groups. We’re all in this together, and every bit helps.

Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram:

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.