Grandma Infuses Gefilte Fish in Hopes Someone Will Eat It

NYACK, N.Y. — A desperate Esther Steinberg reportedly infused her trademark gefilte fish with THC before serving it on Saturday as part of the family’s Hanukkah celebration, hoping that this would inspire her children and grandchildren to finally eat it.

“I’d love to get high during Hanukkah with the family. But she could have infused anything, and she chose the gefilte?” complained 22-year-old grandson Evan Steinberg. “It’s definitely a weird call. I have zero interest in getting high off of a brick of cold, congealed, pickled fish, and I don’t know anybody who’d want to. Manischewitz is basically an instant hangover, but I’d rather stick with that.”

Esther claimed she was willing to try anything to get her descendents to enjoy her family recipe, which has been handed down for generations — even though she’s not a regular cannabis user. 

“My husband and I would smoke together sometimes after sex when we were in our 20s, but we’ve moved on. But you know what I can’t move on from? Nobody touching this gefilte fish,” said Esther, washing down a bite with a sip of wine. “It’s not cheap, you know, and grinding and preserving your own carp isn’t a walk in the park, either. So I told the kids I’d infuse it to help get them high, and even that didn’t work! Either gefilte fish is objectively horrible, or weed is now very easy to come by.”

While the whole Steinberg family came away disappointed, each seemed to have their own reason.

“I don’t like weed, but this year I really started to gravitate towards traditional Jewish cooking, so I was really looking forward to her gefilte fish,” said Esther’s daughter, Rebecca. “Yes, I was also curious about the mystery package my mother got from California in the mail, but I figured it was none of my business. Now it’s clear what was going on. Honestly, I still want to try the gefilte, but I’m not going to have a panic attack in front of everyone to try it.”

Esther’s youngest daughter Adele was unable to join her family, but admitted she may have accidentally given her mother the idea.

“When my mom was complaining that nobody ever eats her gefilte fish, I told her that maybe she should just skip it… and then I joked that she could try infusing it with THC instead. I’ve made this joke with her hundreds of times before,” admitted Adele. “I thought it was clear what my actual advice was, but we all hear what we want to hear. That being said, I’d be over there trying that gefilte fish right now if it wasn’t for COVID-19.”

Optimistic relatives report Esther is considering infusing her famous Purim hamantaschen this year in what the whole family is calling “an absolute win-win scenario.”

Noah Leavy is a satire and comedy writer living near Washington, D.C.

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