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Oh, sure. “Smoke a little, it’ll relax your overanalysis, so your creativity can be unfiltered.” Yeah, you know what it also “relaxes?” Any sense of continuity, character development, realism, the rules of grammar, and general coherency, apparently.

I was tasked with reviewing a new strand of cannabis called “Green Candy, and decided to write the review before its effects wore off. And after spending six hours in front of the computer last night writing about it, I came back this morning to find a jumbled, convoluted mess.

“Why isn’t all candy from Canada?” — that was the opening of the review. Why would I write that? Seriously, what does that even mean? Where could I have possibly been going with that? Naturally, up next was me discussing the Canadian flag for three subsequent paragraphs. I had to erase all of it. Completely unusable.

After that gold, we get to this undecipherable gem: “Nxt tm _ smk _ pln t smk _ blnt instd. t’ll b fn.” Apparently I decided I was making “my editor’s job” “easier” by leaving out the vowels. I know this, because I left a note in the margin that’s 400 words long, describing why it’s actually easier to edit without the vowels “in the way.” Good “writing,” champ.

Then there’s another couple pages about Canada in there, followed by an in-depth analysis of “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place,” which then led to a few paragraphs that were actually just my Domino’s order I thought I was putting into Seamless.

Then we finally, mercifully make it to the end. My favorite sentence in the entire thing: “*Note to self, delete everything above. Full review below.” (Yes, the italics were part of the review, if you needed to know.) Then four page-breaks followed by, “Nice” — because this word appeared on page 69 of the Google Doc.

So, all in all, writing high yielded literally nothing useful or coherent, and I would have had to rewrite the entire thing… but as it happens, I didn’t even need to write a review. I’d received an email survey to rate the strain from 1 to 5, and “high me” convinced myself I needed to give a real, deep review to help future smokers.

How was the strain itself? Well, let’s just roll with this snippet lifted directly from my original review:

Green Candy is “5 cheesy breads, 5 orders of those chicken kickers with extra hot sauce, then 1 large pie half supreme (I know that’s Pizza Hut but you guys know what it means, just make it) the other half plain, and like 9 orders of cinna-stix with just sooooooooo much extra frosting. Thx.”

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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