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BROOKLYN — Mark Kenner sadly assumed his superhuman aptitude for rolling blunts would translate to getting his new pet Princess into a fun sweater.

“It’s a long cylindrical thing, you’re wrapping it, it made sense at the time,” Kenner began explaining while Princess slithered out of his grip once again. “I even got this velcro sweater and tried sticking the dog in my fingers [he motioned rolling a cigar in his fingers] but she keeps wriggling around like an eel!”

“When we were in high school I could roll a blunt while driving a car… a stick shift too!” he continued explaining while the Dachshund in question flung its legs up while twirling its torso so it dropped out of the sweater and to the ground. “Now I can’t even hold on to a little wiener dog!”

Professional dog trainer Mindy Sintero stated the skill set is entirely different, as cannabis does not generally object to being rolled.

“Weed WANTS to be bluntivized, the dog does not,” Sintero stated. “That dog will do anything and everything in its power to sneak away, whereas weed’s only goal in life is to get smoked, so it will gladly allow you to roll it into a blunt. This is simple stuff!”

Kenner later commented the skills may have had a better chance of transferring if he hadn’t smoked this huge blunt right before trying to put the sweater on the dog.

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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