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TUCSON, Ariz. — When Mike Shippen told everyone he invited to watch the Super Bowl at his house today to “bring one food or drink item,” he naturally figured there’d be a smorgasbord for all to share.
But for one ballsy partygoer, those instructions apparently weren’t specific enough.
Shippen’s former co-worker, Green Valley resident Craig Rayo, allegedly arrived with a huge platter of nachos, but while it was evident that Rayo definitely brought enough for everyone to have as much as they wanted, he clearly had no intention of sharing the beautifully layered snack.
“It’s really pissing me off, because he’s going to town on stuff other people brought,” said Shippen. “He’s had at least 8 Stellas, and even took some Doritos that my girl came with, smashed them up, and started sprinkling ‘em on top of his nachos. He seems pretty out of it, and this is really unlike him — it’s the worst case of munchies I’ve ever seen. Maybe he’s going through some shit in his life and this is how it’s showing up. But, man, those nachos look so good. And he’s apparently going to eat every last one.”
Fellow partier Shanan Badinas agreed. “Craig’s smoked me out a bunch of times. He’s always been an alright dude, but we’re all justifiably pretty bummed, because his dish is clearly the dopest looking one in the bunch,” Badinas said. “I mean, there’s no denying that guacamole was homemade — he even has fresh herbs in there. Maybe he could’ve redeemed himself with a little bit of weed, but since he hasn’t broken any out, it seems like he saved all that for himself, too.”
“Every time I go over to try and find an opening, I get stuck talking to him about God knows what,” lamented Nick Dooley, still eyeing the platter. “And whenever we talk, he has a nacho in each hand, too… almost like he’s taunting me. One time, I thought he was gonna give me one, but he was just like, ‘Bro, these are better than the time I met Carlos Santana. Did I ever tell you that story?’ I’ve never even met this guy before. I just want a nacho.”
While Shippen is now iffy about inviting Rayo to his upcoming WrestleMania party, he thinks he may have figured out a way to make it work for everyone. “I’m gonna tell Craig that everyone has to bring two entrees for that,” Shippen said. “If that doesn’t work, he’s out of our pandemic bubble.”
Johnny Sparkles is a Hawaii-born and based journalist, and stand up comedian whose debut album “Homeless Romantic” is available all over the internet. Twitter: @sparklesknows
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.