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CHICAGO — Local stoned man Berry Smith announced today that he looks forward to another productive year of staring at his treadmill, hand weights, and medicine ball from the comfort of his couch.
“My fitness goal this year is to not have a fitness goal. It did wonders for my mental and physical health last year, so it only felt natural to keep it up,” said Smith while lighting up a joint on his couch. “I’ll still walk, run, and bike when I feel like it — hell, I’ll even go hiking every now and again. But tracking squat reps alone in my apartment while listening to Joe Rogan fills me with a certain kind of existential dread. So did I spend $800 on exercise equipment that I never ended up using? Yes, but I’m a happier person for it.”
Smith’s groundbreaking approach to fitness has struck a chord with a wide range of demographics. Indeed, people across the country are ditching their exercise regimens for an afternoon on the couch, and maybe a walk or a bike ride if it’s nice out.
“Berry understands something that exercise experts simply don’t: the depressing state of global affairs and work, along with readily available cannabis, makes it impossible to find the motivation to set up the elliptical I bought last March,” said Annie Jane, a San Francisco resident and strict follower of Smith’s fitness approach. “Instead I just go on a light jog a few times a week — no reps, no calorie counting, just a jog around my town, a light breakfast, and a metric fuckton of weed on my couch while I watch the director’s cut of ‘Lord of the Rings.’”
Interestingly, health experts have praised the new workout trend, citing its equal focus on mental, physical, and herbal health.
“At this point, we just want people off their asses. We aren’t picky. If that involves following up a 45-minute walk with a five-hour nap on your couch, then so be it. I’m a doctor, but that still sounds fun as shit. I’d do that in a heartbeat,” said Dr. Chris Sloka. “In fact, I think that’s what I’m going to do once this interview is over. My medical colleagues and I all agree that setting up treadmills sucks.”
Smith later announced that he will get his exercise primarily from walking between frozen yogurt places at the mall once it reopens.
Jonah Nink writes comedy for The Hard Times, The Chicago Machine, and Jumpkick, and real news for UIC Radio. @mymanjonah
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.