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SALT LAKE CITY, Utah — Your roommate Greg Trevino, who has been bugging you for weeks to get started on your annual spring cleaning, is dumbfounded why you included isopropyl alcohol and coarse salt on your list of cleaning supplies.
“Each year we set about cleaning our house, and each year we end up getting a giant bottle of isopropyl alcohol and the biggest salt crystals we can find. And I never see them get used,” said Trevino, wearing a “Hamster Dad” T-shirt. “I Googled it, and the only reasons I can find are either curing meat or getting rid of a body. As a vegan, I don’t approve of either, but only one of them qualifies as a cleaning expense.”
“Cool” Costco employee Sarita Krebs, who told Trevino “not to worry about it” and gave you a wink, comforted Trevino and steered him in the right direction.
“I told him salt water is great for inner ear and sinus clearing, and that rubbing alcohol is a go-to disinfectant for cuts or rashes,” said Krebs, taking a long drag of a vape pen. “Both are important precautions for a thorough spring clean that may involve dust particles, mildew build up, and even kitchen knife sharpening. Plus, put ‘em together, and you can take a salt bath after.”
“I also told him he should get colorful pipe cleaners, like from elementary school, for those hard-to-reach areas behind the stove and under the fridge,” explained Krebs with a smug grin, “so now your roommate thinks you’re thoughtful and informed, and suspects nothing… despite being headed home with literal pipe cleaners. You’re welcome.”
Meanwhile, your piece — an intricate, three-chamber bubbler that can’t believe you’re finally getting around to cleaning it — was cautiously excited.
“Isopropyl alcohol and salt? Really?” asked your piece. “You’re not fucking with me, are you? Don’t fuck with me here, man. Seriously, don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining. I need this. I. Need. This. I’ve needed this for so long.”
“Oh sweet God, yes. Oh, Jesus, yes. You’re really serious?” the piece screamed with delight when shown the receipt. “Oh, God, it’s finally happening. Is it finally happening? Holy fucking shit. I’ve felt so dirty for so long. Pinch me so I know I’m not dreaming? And then pack me fucking full. I will be reborn!”
Sadly, your clogged slide is now set up for a world of disappointment, as you forgot to grab a pack of heavy duty paper clips yet again.
Noah Leavy is a satire and comedy writer living near Washington, D.C.
