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COLUMBUS, Ohio — Salesman Quinn Ewing, who works at the hydroponic gardening store Hooked on Hydroponics, honestly can’t believe how many of his customers have gotten into urban gardening, according to sources familiar with the hopelessly naive salesman.
“The move towards growing tomatoes at home has really taken off in recent years,” said the charmingly innocent Ewing. “It’s such a fun activity and is really something that you can do with the kids if you want. That’s why I am always so delighted to see people come in and stock up on fertilizer, grow lights, and pipes to help bring water to their fledgling tomatoes. Strangely enough, they never buy any tomato seeds, but I’m sure they’re just saving those from their previous crops. Still, in areas where it’s hard to get fresh vegetables I’m sure they’re doing a great job filling in the gaps.”
Longtime customer Trevor Stevens, who has purchased many items from Ewing, doesn’t have the heart to tell him what’s really happening.
“Everytime I come into the store he stares at me with this wide grin and puppy dog eyes excited to see one of his favorite customers,” said Stevens. “He then asks how my ‘tomatoes’ are doing and asks if he could see some of the results. I literally bought tomatoes from the store and took pictures of them just to not let him down. Except he then said he wanted to see the whole operation because he thought it was weird I only got a few tomatoes. I had to legitimately start gardening just because I didn’t want to disappoint him. It’s gotten to the point that I’d rather tell a cop what I’m up to than be honest with Quinn because he’s just so nice.”
Owner of Hooked on Hydroponics Lisa Nagle fears what would happen if Quinn ever caught on to what was really going on.
“I have no idea how Quinn feels about people growing more illicit items,” said Nagle. “He’s our best salesperson which is why I’m so happy to have him around. Except he legitimately thinks people are growing vegetables instead of other assorted ‘greens’. I don’t think he’s a narc but I certainly wouldn’t want to risk him getting upset and quitting because he’s honestly that passionate about vegetables. A little too passionate and energetic when talking about them honestly. Aww, shit — is Quinn doing blow before coming to work?”
Later on, Quinn did start to suspect he was being lied to.
“Trevor came into the store and you bet I recognized that scent on him,” said a suspicious Ewing. “He’s been growing basil behind my back without telling me! Or maybe it was oregano. Either way, I’m just happy to help people’s veggie tales come to fruition.”
Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram: @stebbenwolfe
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.