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WASHINGTON — Caffeine and cannabis user Jason Lathan was recently revealed to be a fairly even-tempered, well-adjusted member of society.
“I need the coffee to wake me up, but then I get all jittery and antsy so I need some weed to calm me down. It’s a delicate balance,” Lathan said while hand-washing his artisanal, filterless pour-over coffee maker. “But then sometimes the weed makes me too tired, so I have a little more coffee, and around and around the cycle goes; most of the day though I spend at a nice balanced medium level of energy, so, the system is flawless!”
Lathan’s wife Melinda expressed elation at the nature of the phenomenon, saying Lathan was balancing things perfectly.
“He has the caffeine boost and will do all his work, do laundry, clean, all of it, then he’ll smoke and be so calm that he doesn’t care what we watch on TV or get for dinner, so, win/win for me,” she revealed. “The majority of the day he’s normal which is nice, and then when he hits those peaks and valleys of energy it’s great for me as well. I fully support this flawless and logical system!”
When reached for comment, scientist Dr. Sid Park stated, “It’s super unhealthy and this guy will probably have like heart palpitations or something pretty soon. This ‘system’ is a terrible idea and needs to be abandoned immediately.”
Upon hearing this comment, Lathan responded, “That stresses me out, I better smoke a little.”
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
