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Flying during a pandemic calls for an extra degree of calm, and it helps none that I’m a nervous flyer as is. It has been my tradition for some time to have a little nibble of an edible before entering the airport, removing my shoes to participate in the great American Security Theater Extravaganza. However, what with the state of the world in 2021, I decided to up the ante and go for the extra green-and-gold gummy worm when flying back from D.C. last week, thinking it would ease my mind for the ride. Little did I know how wrong I’d be.
The gummy began to kick in as I prepared to remove my easy-slide shoes to get blasted with X-rays. Shuffling through the line toward the first security checkpoint, my mind began to wander: two hours to board, two hours in the air, 20 minutes to my apartment. Easy peasy. No paraphernalia or contraband on my person, nothing at all to be concerned about, and nothing to stop me from finding my gate and shutting my brain off for a relaxing trip home.
I am quietly screwing around on my phone, trying to pull up my ticket while also perusing DoorDash for what kind of takeout I want to greet me back at my apartment. A few spots in front of me is a middle-aged couple, checking in with the TSA officer their IDs and tickets: the husband in a camouflage parka, and the wife in a T-shirt adorned with an American flag, reading, “These Colors Don’t Run.” Yes, they are wearing masks, and yes, they are improperly below their noses… and on top of that, they seem jittery and nervous. “Were they there? At the Capitol?” I wonder to myself, and as I do, four police officers seem to begin to approach me in the line. Can they tell how high I am? Oh, God, of course they can. My stoner senses tingle, and my stomach drops in the same way it always does when, stone-cold sober, I spy a police car parked on the side of the road. “This is it,” I thought. “They know. I’m going to jail for being high in an airport. They can see it in my eyes, and they’re going to arrest me and drug-test me right now and pump my stomach and charge me with terrorism and also tell my grandma.”
As I scan through my mental Rolodex for who I can call for bail money from a Federal jail who can also cover for me at work for the next 3 years and feed my cat, the officers push right past me and surround the “patriotic” couple, where they are informed in no uncertain terms that they are not allowed to pass through. They’ve made the No-Fly list.
Now, normally I’m a fan of public freakout videos, constantly scrolling through Reddit for the opportunity to laugh at someone having a meltdown over not having enough cheese on their nachos or some other first world catastrophe. But it’s much different when you’re there in person and higher than the ISS. While the pot-bellied husband, pulling his jeans back up to below his hips, starts screaming about how he’s a “goddamned hero” and “has a right to fly,” and the wife is sobbing “I thought this was America!” over and over again, I’m desperately trying not to make eye contact with anyone, still wondering if my sweat smells like the gummy I ate.
Thankfully, a few people have pulled out their phones and begun to record, so I follow suit, hoping to blend in. The husband raises his hand, and for the first time in my life, I see someone get tazed. I bless the high definition camera on my phone as he drops to the ground.
After the wife is wrestled to the ground and literally carried by two of the officers while the husband is handcuffed, a smattering of applause sees them away, and while I’m positive I just look like I’m in shock to the outside world, I am doing all I can to keep my raging THC-enhanced panic attack on the inside. After getting through security, I begin to unwind, and as I get to my gate, I see my fellow citizens have done their due diligence: four of them have already uploaded videos of the incident to Reddit, and I can peacefully watch myself watching my tax dollars hard at work, over and over again.
Bryant Smith is a comedian based out of Chattanooga, TN and can be seen performing throughout the Southeast once the pandemic is quelled.
