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Building a grav bong with a 2-liter soda bottle is obviously the move. It has that nostalgic factor reminding us of better times in college, and it works really well! 

…But we gotta use diet!

I’m nearing 40 already, do you know how much sugar is in regular Coke? My A1C is awful, the sugar will mess with my circadian cycle, and I have this stubborn belly fat that will just not quit. 

I know what you’re thinking: aren’t the sugar substitute chemicals just as bad if not worse? Here’s the thing though, in small quantities they’re fine, so like, if we use a water bottle for most sessions, then one soda bottle just with dinner or on the weekend or on special occasions, it’ll be fine!

Did you know regular Coke can peel the paint off your car? Imagine what it’s doing when mixed with a drug and inhaled into your lungs! It’s gonna peel the paint off every individual alveolus on its way through your bronchial tubes… All aspartame does is cause cancer.

So it’s settled. Diet Coke bottle. 

Oh and don’t worry, the bottle being made of plastic is not an issue, no way heating up plastic then inhaling the fumes is bad for you…

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.