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TRENTON, N.J. — The recent legalization of cannabis in the Garden State has led to the creation of thousands of retail jobs up for grabs to local assholes, wiseguys, skanks and muthafuckas, confirms a report from New Jersey’s Department of Labor.
“I’ve been combing through resumes from across the state since I was hired this morning,” said Phil “Papers” D’Agostino, regional manager for the new chain called, You Lookin’ For Somethin’? “It’s all about finding the right kind of assholes to be the faces of cannabis in Jersey — pricks who really know what they’re talkin’ about. And this is a modern business, so we need pricks of all different racial and gender identity backgrounds… whatever-the-fuck kinda pricks who know how much TCH is in the fuckin’ candies.”
As recreational legalization takes hold, a primary concern has been education for the general populace and ensuring proper safeguards are in place. Social worker Sophia Baccalieri thanked state legislators for signing the “It Ain’t Drugs No More Act” into law, which includes an amendment that the cannabis sector will hire “at least 4,400 local dipshits by the end of 2021.”
“The leaders of New Jersey have finally done the right thing, and it couldn’t come at a better time for the poor jerkoffs who live here,” said Baccalieri while separating different colors of red tape. “Half the people I see couldn’t ever learn to type with ten fingers, but they can sure as fuck remember that indica means “In Da Couch,” and what the fuck else do they need to know? If you can make White Castles, you can sell White Widows. It’s deep in the bones around here.”
Employment opportunities on this scale are rare for the state, and job-seekers are applying at multiple locations from Paterson to Atlantic City.
“Everyone wants to say they work at the Asbury Park Bada Bong, but Hackensack needs to get fucked up, too,” said Hackensack, N.J. mayor Patricia Battrado. “We gotta take some fuckin’ pride in our state right now, and teach every scumbag greaseball the different types of shatter, and how to upsell the hemp wick next to the register.”
“I applied everywhere and it’s only a matter of time until I get the call. I’m the fuckin’ best,” agreed former convenience store clerk Joey “Wheels” Mastroianni. “Hey, I got some shit right here if you want a little taste… see? How fuckin’ good was that? Tell me you wouldn’t hire me.”
Indeed, financial analysts are predicting tremendous spikes in employment and economic growth in New Jersey as a direct consequence of legalization. However, experts say there will be a very short window to enjoy it before the muscle from New York moves in and takes control of everything.
Kyle Stanley worked with the Ministry of the Interior, even though his place looks like shit. @KGordonStanley on Twitter.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.