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Denver, CO. — Chad Singleton, CEO of mega-cannabis conglomerate WeedCorp, profusely coughs after inhaling every time he smokes, official sources confirmed.
“Coughing is like scientifically proven to make you higher and in no way makes me look weak or out-of-touch, as my grassroots competitors are calling me,” defended 38-year-old MSO CEO Chad Singleton. “I’m all about results. I’ll cough up a lung to get my buzz just like I’ll workaround commie safety regulations to slightly increase our profits. That’s what separates me from all of these betas that can’t get their cannabis operation to span more than just their hillbilly state. I suggest people take notes instead of failing to insult me.”
Chad’s brother, WeedCorp COO Keegan Singleton, reportedly views the CEO’s coughing differently.
“When dad gave us a small loan of $40 million to play Pablo Escobar legal-edition, I specifically explained to Chad that I should be the CEO. He always coughs after inhaling and I knew that would be an obvious sign of weakness to our competitors,” explained Keegan. “I love him since he’s my brother and all but it’s just business. He should step back and let me be CEO. I have lungs of steel and can hold down multiple dabs without coughing at all. That’ll show those grassroots fucks that we aren’t to be messed with.”
Local Colorado cannabis growing coop Goodlife Green’s owner Michael Strawberry believes Chad’s coughing demonstrates how out of touch MSO leadership is with their customers.
“Back in the day would you buy from someone that coughs like that? I’d just think that this guy obviously doesn’t know his shit,” expressed the 67-year-old entrepreneur. “A true cannabis expert knows exactly how long to inhale for every strain they grow. It’s not fucking rocket science. His weed sucks anyway though, so maybe it’s just the chemicals those idiots put on their dry-ass flower making him cough. But I’ve seen these clowns come and go for years. They won’t last in our industry. They’ll just move right on to the next thing when we legalize shrooms or some shit.”
As of press time Chand Singleton is reportedly stepping down as WeedCorp CEO after losing a bet on a FIFA match with his COO, Keegan Singleton.
Christopher Charles Jones is a writer and video producer for a variety of international brands and resides in a lovely New England town that is much nicer than where he grew up in Missouri. Find him on Instagram @Chris_Jones_Creates
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.