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THURMONT, Md. — Due to financial statutes, legal transactions at dispensary Green Getaway are relegated to cash only, making them considerably less efficient than a traditional dealer with a Square plugged into their phone.
“Literally every other business takes credit card or Venmo or something. Most customers come in here expecting to pay with their watch,” lamented owner Phil Marcus. “And what am I supposed to do with all this cash at the end of the day? Mail my distributor a huge wad of money? I feel like a mob boss or something!”
“I’m actually considering doing away with cash altogether at this point, it’s just so cumbersome.”
With the growth in the FinTech industry, traditional dealers are experiencing the opposite, finding transactions more efficient than ever.
“I literally ordered a Square on Amazon for 6 bucks,” began dealer Trent Diller. “It plugs into my phone and I can swipe credit cards instantly. Technology has made my business so efficient, I have my Square, then I also take Venmo, CashApp, Zelle, Chase QuickPay, Google Wallet, Google Pay, Apple Wallet, Apple Pay, Samsung Pay… and if there’s one I don’t have I can just download it and like magic, I accept that too. I’m actually considering doing away with cash altogether at this point, it’s just so cumbersome.”
As Square grows in popularity amongst traditional dealers, CEO Jack Dorsey has begun making plans to grow that aspect of his business.
“We like to support small businesses with Square, to the point that I’d even issue startup loans to these one-person operations if needed! I’m actually considering adding more features to help streamline cannabis sales like maybe tracking various inventory or something — I’m just really glad so many people are having success with Square,” Dorsey stated. “Now, that being said, which of you small business owners has the ayahuasca hookup? I’m about to head into the mountains for a three-week starvation/human sacrifice retreat.”
Though a dealer with a Square is far more efficient and convenient than the cash-only dispensary, several customers have remained loyal to dispensaries, stating, “Going through a dispensary is safer, the dealer might invite himself in and wanna hang out and smoke and chill; not worth the risk!”
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.