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LOS ANGELES — Mark Hadley, who prefers vaping because of the various health benefits, typically orders the absolute most unhealthy dinner options imaginable whenever he gets stoned.

“Smoking is bad for you, and I’m a big health guy, my body is my temple, but once I smoke? I mean, sometimes you just need that Dominoes double supreme cheese-crust extra-extra large with extra bacon,” Hadley began while inputting his macros for the day into a tracking spreadsheet. “My diet is meticulously curated to ensure maximum benefits, but then the weed kicked in and I forgot. Oops.”

To her credit, Hadley’s roommate tried to help him stay on his diet, but unfortunately could not.

“I keep reminding him not to order dirt food, but once he gets high he’s like Kirby, just inhaling anything edible or edible-adjacent,” his roommate explained. “I even tried writing on his body to remind him like Memento, but then he spent 20 minutes smelling the writing because the Sharpie I used was scented. Oops.”

Following this news, Dominoes has implemented a new public service protocol where if someone tries to order the double supreme cheese-crust extra-extra large or anything with similar implications, associates will ask if the caller is high and needs to be dissuaded.

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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