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CRISFIELD, Md. — Chuck Marcus, owner and operator of dispensary Yes We Cannabis, is so sick of the financial red tape of running a cash-only business that if Congress doesn’t pass the SAFE Banking Act, he’s ready to pivot all of his transactions to cryptocurrency.

“The Bitcoin issue is twofold — the value of the currency, and the crowd associated with it — both of which are the absolute worst,” Marcus explained through a dejected sigh as if it pained him to even consider using Bitcoin. “The value can plummet at any moment, so we could just go bankrupt in an afternoon for no reason. Considering the already looming inherent risk of a cannabis-based business, do I really need my money to randomly lose its value because some bro cashed out to buy a rare Wu-Tang onesie or something even dumber and tank the crypto market?”

“This would literally just invite more of the worst bros imaginable.”

“Then there’s the crowd,” Marcus continued, rubbing his eyes and lying back as if the thought alone caused him agonizing pain. “We’re trying to run a respectable business, and that means distancing ourselves from the ‘bro’ culture that plagues the world of cannabis… but this would literally just invite more of the worst bros imaginable.”

“Weed Chads + Crypto Chads can’t equal anything good — it’s like they’ll combine and evolve into Mega Chads or something,” he sobbed. “Please don’t make me do it. Please!”

After crying for a few hours, Marcus circled back to the matter at hand, commenting once more, “So basically, by not passing the SAFE Banking Act, you are facilitating the catalyst for the worst imaginable human to develop. Thanks, Obama!”

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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