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KRANJ, SLOVENIA — Slovenian newspapers are calling the return of a recently-kidnapped teenager nothing short of “miraculous” after he showed up at his home over a week after disappearing. Bruno Horvat, the son of Anton and Ana Horvat in the village of Kranj, was kidnapped from his bedroom on December 5th.
While police investigators have not identified a suspect in the kidnapping, Bruno’s parents are convinced that their son was taken by none other than Krampus, the horned king of witches, whose annual tradition of rounding up naughty children for the slaughter happens to coincide with the day that Bruno went missing.
“Bruno is the naughtiest boy in our village, and honestly we weren’t surprised at all that he was taken on Krampusnacht,” his mother explained.
“Every year the beast rolls through town scooping up all the little rascals and then goes underground until the next winter. The way Bruno’s behavior has been lately, it was only a matter of time before he wound up in that monster’s evil brew.”
Bruno’s father agreed, stating “Bruno has been supplying all of his classmates with illegal substances this year, including marijuana. He said he was doing it just so he could afford to buy a PS5, but then once he bought the console he would intentionally get suspended for doing the same thing, just so he wouldn’t have to attend his Zoom classes, and instead he would play video games and smoke weed all day. We warned him this behavior would make him a target for Krampus, but he didn’t listen.”
When asked how he managed to escape, Bruno said that his captor had actually allowed him to leave. “At first the dude seemed super uptight, I mean who the hell breaks into someone’s house, throws them into a giant bag, and lugs them off to a cave? I was thinking, like, fucking relax bro, right? Anyway, he has me in the corner of this cave and he’s mixing up a big cauldron. I have a couple doobs in my pockets, and I dunno if you’ve ever been in a cave but it’s super boring, so I light one up with a piece of tinder and proceed to hotbox the place. A few minutes later, the dude lets out this big sigh of relief, and started to play with his chains like they were some kind of percussion instrument. I was feeling the vibe so I started beatboxing along, and then after awhile I was like, ‘alright peace dude’ and he just let me leave.”
Anthropologist Marija Vidmar believes there may be a greater significance to Bruno’s story. “Children have been disappearing from our villages for centuries. The police love to claim that it’s all a coincidence, but the locals know what’s really going on. If we can alleviate Krampus by legalizing weed, just think of how many lives can be saved!”
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.