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Everyone knows vape pens are the way to go for a healthy, safe, and enjoyable cannabis experience. Likewise, the advent of 5G allows for fast, reliable, more capable connections. So, how do you find a pen that doesn’t leave your mind vulnerable to mind control from the government’s secret lizard spies? We compiled a list of tips and tricks to keep yourself safe when vaping with 5G.

Impress your friends at work with your 5G vape pen, but make sure yours is from a reliable source.

Thanks to 5G, more cannabis users can connect in more cities than ever before. However, we all know Elon Musk endorses 5G as part of his plot to connect your mind and my mind to interdimensional aliens’ minds. How do we avoid mind control from these aliens? By always making sure your vape pen is from a reputable and trustworthy seller. 

Mainstream media will tell you to shop at any licensed smoke shop, but the best deal I got was from my friend Dave, who adds Infowars iodine to his vape pens in the back of his Chevy. Bonus: as a rule, I usually stay away from any place endorsed by local government, so I also get my driver’s license renewed with Dave to avoid going to the DMV.

Next, when you enjoy your cannabis safely with the 5G vape pen of the next generation, don’t forget to install a microchip in your brain to avoid mind control from the government.

Iodine only does so much to keep aliens, the government, and Nancy Pelosi from controlling your precious, sacred thoughts. As an extra precaution, we recommend adding a cranial microchip installation pack to your list. 5G might be a government ploy to override basic bodily functions and surrender yourself over to the lizard overlords, but that doesn’t mean your cannabis connection should leave you vulnerable. When you purchase your 5G vape pen, your mind should only be connected to yourself, your body, and the chimpanzee documentary on your phone. Just the way God intended. 

We hope you enjoy your 5G responsibly. We wouldn’t want you disappointing Alex Jones.

Rachel Steele is a blog writer from the tropical paradise that is Ft. Lauderdale, FL. Find more articles by Rachel Steele on and

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.