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Clearly science has advanced enough that we can infuse cannabis into effective edibles, supplements, and even chewable medicines, so it stands to reason they should be able to make the vaccine into a gummy already, right?
The design options alone would be amazing. It could be shaped like a cute little Covid molecule, and have a tart citrus flavor, like when you add a lime to a Corona. And it could have one of those fun portmanteau names that combines Covid and gummy.
Wait… is there already a market for edibles named “cummies?” You know what, let’s circle back to that later.
Science says the disease is caused by genetic proteins distilled to their simplest form. That means the vaccine is super small, right? Like, it’s just a drip of juice? So, just shove it in the center of a fruit-worm or whatever. Maybe use that Ronco flavor injector syringe I see commercials for at 3 a.m. — that’s technically still an injection, just an injection into food. And then I’ll eat said food.
I think I’m onto something here!
Oh, I also heard rumors about them making the vaccine into a Juul cartridge, too! If you can obnoxiously smoke it through a vape pen, I really don’t see why I can’t just eat the stupid thing. Give me the whole bottle and I’ll drink it, especially if it’s in a fake syringe so you spray it into your mouth like tequila “shots” at Mardi Gras or something.
I just thought of something else: is this a conspiracy by Pfizer and Moderna to sell more syringes? Is it a conspiracy by the glass company to sell more of those adorable, tiny, short and fat bottles? What are they not telling us? How high up does this go? Who do I tweet at for answers?! @FBI? @BigVax?
I could be inclined to accept that it’s just not possible to have an edible vaccine, but… come on. Isn’t it? We just landed on Mars the other day. They cloned a sheep a couple years ago. You’re telling me scientists can’t figure out how to put the vaccine in the center of a brownie?
Wait, better idea: what if we go fluoride-style, and just spill the vaccine into the water supply so everyone just kinda gets it, even the anti-vaxxers?
…Didn’t a Batman villain try something like that once?
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.