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NORMAN, Okla. — While presiding over a preliminary hearing yesterday, conservative 12th District Judge Lucas Fielding ruled that a stainless steel brownie pan found by police during a search of a suspected drug dealer’s residence can be used as evidence of illicit drug-related dealings in the home.
“Judge Fielding told the court that he loved brownies as much as any other of God’s baked creations, but that ‘nobody of decent moral character makes them anymore,’” said counsel for the defense Prudence Hollywood. “According to the Honorable Judge, they’ve been ‘co-opted by the satanists,’ and ‘you can’t even let brownies cool on a windowsill anymore without some junkie showing up to infuse it with poison and get you hooked.’”
“I’m confident that we can get this ludicrous ruling overturned,” Hollywood added, “but I have to admit that I haven’t eaten a brownie that wasn’t laced since the late 90s.”
Also ruled as admissible evidence in the case were a barbecue lighter, some potting soil, six 80-watt light bulbs, and a VHS copy of Disney’s “Fantasia.”
Kyle Stanley gets a handshake for this one. @KGordonStanley on Twitter.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.