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HOBOKEN N.J. — A 36-year-old man attempted and failed last night to time his evening so he would feel the maximum effects from cannabis just as his food delivery arrived, only to miscalculate and ultimately forget that he even ordered food.
“I placed the order at 6:30, and Seamless said it would arrive at 7:15, so I started smoking at 6:58 exactly,” a still-hungry Mark Toepper admitted while updating his spreadsheet that tracks various strands’ onset periods. “I normally take precisely 11 minutes to feel the full effects, then another 6 minutes for hunger to set in, which would clock us at exactly 7:15 — perfect timing to get the door, plate the food, and turn on some anime. Everything was going to plan until 7:06, when the high kicked in early, and I forgot about the plan and went to sleep.”
Delivery person Ernie Pearson told coworkers he was frustrated Toepper didn’t answer the door. However, he noted privately he also couldn’t really complain, as he ended up eating the abandoned food himself.
“This happens pretty often. Someone gets high and orders enough for like, an army, and then they just don’t retrieve the food,” said Pearson. “I half-expect it at all deliveries these days. And certain addresses are notorious for that, so if they don’t answer the door or calls or texts after like a half-hour, that food is mine. I’m not gonna leave $300 worth of lo mein just sitting on a doorstep. May as well get some use out of it.”
Restaurant owner Maggie Sanford noted she usually recognizes suspicious orders, but because Seamless charges the user no matter what, she sees no problem with people getting high and wasting their money on food they never get to enjoy. As she put it, “Sure, I’ll make 40 pounds of General Tso’s Chicken on a random Tuesday afternoon. I just wish I’d know in advance so I could donate what they order before it goes to waste. But as far as my bottom line goes, I-D-G-A-F!”
For his part, Toepper claimed he had no regrets, as the nap was “wonderful.” Even the food itself, a Double Down Pepperoni Chalupa from a KFC/Taco Bell/Pizza Hut franchise, was thrilled to spend the evening with Pearson. “I don’t care who eats me,” the edible abomination said, “as long as I get eaten!”
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.