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BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — An Indiana mother reached her fifth month today of failing to locate “that dang skunk that’s been crop dusting the back patio,” asking family members yet again if they’d seen or heard the critter leaving behind a pungent, musky scent. 

“I’ve looked just about everywhere! That Pepé le Pew little fuck must hit us hard late every night and scurry off at first light before I can get my 12-gauge ready,” said 44-year-old stay-at-home mom Karen Tatum. “I’ve heard skunks are common ’round these parts. I’ve never seen one, but I sure as hell have been smelling them. I can’t stand it!”

Karen’s husband Richard Tatum agreed. “Karen had been going on about this for weeks, but I finally crossed the smell the other day,” explained the retired P.E. teacher. “I was raking the leaves just like any other Fall when I caught a disgusting, musty odor. I followed the smell to the shed, the bonfire pit, and even our treehouse! This skunk is getting everywhere!”

“I’m gonna put a lid on this shit,” he added. “We handle things our way in Indiana, and that means this skunk will be my dinner, even if it kills me.” 

The Tatums’ 23-year-old twin sons, however, had a pretty good idea where the skunky smell was coming from.

“We definitely smoke weed in their backyard all the time,” Jacob Tatum revealed. “It makes visiting our batshit crazy parents and putting up with their rants about Tucker Carlson way more manageable if we know we can light a blunt late afterward. Please, just don’t be a fucking narc and tell our parents or some shit, though.”

“But you can publish this on Oregano,” added Ethan Tatum. “That would be sick!”

The elder Tatums are allegedly now investing in infrared cameras and state-of-the-art odor detectors to track skunk activity. Jacob and Ethan, meanwhile, are reportedly transitioning to visiting their parents for holidays only.

Christopher Charles Jones is a writer and video producer for a variety of international brands and resides in a lovely New England town that is much nicer than where he grew up in Missouri. Find him on Instagram @Chris_Jones_Creates

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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