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CLARKDALE, Ariz. — James Sadler, a man who spent half his yearly wages on cannabis-related items in preparation for April 20th this year, is telling everyone within earshot about his vehement anti-Mother’s Day stance in advance of Sunday’s holiday, with the bold claim that it is an “arbitrary, money-making ploy implemented by a corporation.”
“I am so against corporations and these random made-up holidays used to get me to buy a bunch of stuff I don’t need,” Sadler shouted angrily while walking past a display of Mother’s Day cards and chocolates at his local CVS. “Now, this special edition Snoop Dogg 4/20 limited release pipe that is not actually usable? That is a true necessity. After all, 4/20 is the one day a year when I celebrate a thing I love, so I’m fine with making a big deal of it.”
Sadler’s mother Darla was disappointed, but accepted her son and his brave, anti-establishment stance.
“It would be nice to get a card or flowers, or even a phone call, but I understand — I was anti-birthday when he was growing up, because that too is an arbitrary thing that deserves no celebration,” she said. “Like, ‘Congrats on not dying for another year?’ Come on, that’s silly.”
“As for 4/20, there’s an important night to celebrate and buy presents and throw a huge party,” Ms. Sadler added. “There’s nothing more important than getting slightly more baked once per year with your friends than you do every other night. Or what about Valentine’s Day? That’s a very real holiday that isn’t at all exploited by corporate America to sell more garbage, that doesn’t lose sight of its religious roots in any way whatsoever. Some people are just so cynical, you know?”
For their part, well-known greeting card retailer Hallmark noted that all holidays are arbitrarily made up to help one industry or another.
“All holidays are entirely made-up. All of them. We sell cards so you think they’re real, but they may as well be called ‘Sundayday’ or something even dumber for how much they actually matter,” Hallmark President & CEO Mike Perry said through a cackle like a super-villain from a volcano lair about to take over the world. “Wanna know a secret? Hallmark owns literally dozens of dispensary franchises and MSOs, all playing up 4/20 every single year. It’s just so easy to separate consumers from their money… almost too easy!”
The Sadlers reportedly plan to spend their Sunday sharing a “bake and bake,” where they will get high and try to recreate their grandmother’s world-famous Space Cake from memory and whatever ingredients they have on hand.
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.