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SCARSDALE, N.Y. — Daily smoker and mother-of-three Hannah Walsh got less than she bargained for this Mother’s Day, receiving a small, sad one-hitter with “World’s Greatest Mom” on the front.
“I only told my children to not make it a big deal this year because I thought I’d need to balance the enormous fuss coming my way due to the fact that this is the first Mother’s Day since we’ve all been vaccinated,” Walsh said, lifting the one hitter to squint at it. “I guess understanding social cues is not a vaccine side effect. How will people know what kind of mother I am if they can’t even read what it says?”
“Mom loved her present!” insisted 22-year-old Eli, her oldest son. “She told us right before she put the one hitter in that kitchen drawer — you know, the one with all of the leftover sauce packets, rubber bands, and… oh, goddamn it.”
Reports show the matriarch was so disappointed, she didn’t even notice the makeshift nug jar her kids included made out of an old salt shaker.
Michael Tannenbaum is a writer and actor. You can find him on Twitter: @iamTannenbaum
