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NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Self-proclaimed “cool mom” Angela Ford has reportedly started inhaling when smoking weed now that it’s legal, after not doing so for the past 16 years.
“It just makes sense to finally see what else this stuff is all about, aside from smelling great. Now that I can follow the rules and do it, I’m all in,” Ford said proudly over the subtle sounds of an edited version of Wu-Tang Clan’s classic “Bring da Ruckus.” “Every time someone would pass it to me before, I’d put it to my lips, breathe in and breathe right back out. And so long as I giggled uncontrollably, pretended to have dry mouth or ate a full pan of muffins right after, no one was the wiser. After all, you only live once.”
“But really, it’s about knowing where the line is, and for me it was always inhaling because… well, I guess you just have to stop somewhere,” Ford added, adjusting her flower-wrapped Etsy sign that read “Live, Laugh, Smoke Weed.” “It always did kind of up my ‘cool mom cred’ a bit, but now, that cred is real.”
Understandably, Ford’s children have mixed reviews about their mother’s lifestyle change.
“I mean, in general, it really is cool that she smokes weed,” said eldest daughter Stacy. “But sometimes the ‘cool mom’ thing just goes too far. Last week, she got high and danced around lip-syncing to ‘WAP’ in front of me and my friends, and it was easily the most embarrassing experience of my life.”
“Plus, there’s only so much Martha Stewart-inspired food I can eat in one sitting,” added Angela’s son Eric. “I don’t know how much more butternut squash ravioli drizzled with liquified basil and caramel I can handle.”
Angela, however, was quick to point out that legalized cannabis has helped her with more than simply fitting in with her children. “You know, if this had been legal sooner, my anxiety would have been under far better control years ago,” she said, taking a drag of a blunt she rolled for perusing the latest Pier 1 Imports catalogue. “I would have actually probably felt a lot cooler, instead of just looking cooler.”
Presenting a charcuterie board of salami, olives, Cheetos and Domino’s pizza, Angela stressed that while she regrets waiting so long to actually try cannabis, she’s grateful she came to the experience as an adult. “I’m glad I waited to inhale,” she said, “but holy moly, I can’t believe what I was missing.”
“Oh! I love this song — it’s ‘Thot S-word,’ by Megan Thee Stallion,” she added, turning up the music slightly and starting to twerk. “I think it slaps 100.”
“Please stop dancing when they’re taking pictures, Mom,” Eric countered glumly.
Joe Rapp is an improviser, graphic designer and unknown local celebrity in Minneapolis, MN. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter @fakejoerapp
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.