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NANUET, N.Y. — Michael Valens recently accomplished what was previously thought impossible after getting drunk with his parents, getting high with his parents, and not having to leave the house because he lives with his parents.

“Drinking with the parents is pretty cool because it’s truly the social lubricant, they will kinda stop being parents and just hang out like regular people,” he began describing. “Smoking with the parents can be great because then you get into some deep philosophical discussions; my parents are super smart and have so much life experience!”

“…then living with the parents completes the trifecta because it means when it’s bedtime, I’m already home and just have to walk down the hall,” he continued. “Plus, all the alcohol and weed is free.”

Valens father Clint had a similar reaction to the experience, elated to share the experience with his son.

“I loved seeing him drink and smoke because it reassured me he doesn’t become a total dick when intoxicated,” Clint explained. “And as for living with us, well, I don’t mind. He helped me carry an old sofa to the curb the other day, so, not bad.”

Living with his parents into his 30’s also presented Valens with an opportunity to recently achieve the ultimate quadfecta as he brought a date home and nearly had extremely quiet intercourse in his childhood bedroom while his parents were down the hall drinking, smoking, and watching re-runs of Perry Mason.

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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