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When you’re at Thanksgiving dinner with your family later this week, there’s a good chance you’ll be super insanely baked. And if you haven’t had “the talk” with everyone already, you might get nervous that they can all tell that you’re higher than Butterball’s annual share of turkey sales.

But, don’t worry: keep calm, and blame it on the tryptophan!

First, before the meal and before you burn your third joint in the garage, let everyone know that ingesting tryptophan causes the brain to produce serotonin, a neurotransmitter that works to calm and relax you. Serotonin also works with enzymes to produce melatonin, which regulates your sleep cycle. So THAT’s why you’re so tired. Or, will be so tired, depending on where you’re at with your day.

Next, right as you’re sitting down with everyone to dig in, be sure to inform them that tryptophan is the reason you’re so ravenously hungry. Make sure everyone at dinner is aware that tryptophan triggers an influx of ghrelin, a chemical produced in the stomach that enters the brain and lets a person know it’s time to eat. You destroying an entire bucket of mashed potatoes, and then 7 slices of cheesecake, is because of the tryptophan — not because of that mongo bong rip you just took.

And on that subject, when they walk into the living room to find you actively ripping said bong, make sure your family understands it has nothing to do with weed — this bong rip is entirely because of the tryptophan. It’s not tetrahydrocannabinol, it’s TRYPTOhydrocannabinol. When in doubt, blame it on the turkey!

Don’t forget — tryptophan can cause all sorts of issues if you ingest way too much of it to tolerate your family for a few hours. Is everyone staring at you confused because you overheard on the TV that there’d be a brawl today between “Lions vs Bears” and now you’re hiding behind the couch? It has nothing to do with smoking — it’s that pesky chemical in the turkey.

If they don’t believe you, just point to the science: clearly there is something found in tryptophan that triggers the urge to try and sync up “Dark Side of The Moon” when “The Wizard Of Oz.” Or having deep, philosophical conversations about The Allegory of The Cave with your 9-year-old cousin. Or ordering Domino’s to the house mid-Thanksgiving dinner.

One last thing — be ready for your family to turn into the biggest gathering of science deniers this side of a QAnon rally. When your Thanksgiving guests respond to all of these actions with, “But we haven’t actually started eating yet, it’s 8 a.m.,” you can simply let them know there is tryptophan stored at the base of your spine from a previous time eating way too much turkey that will release into your system at random times and cause flashbacks where you feel the effects of it without actually ingesting it. You’re not tripping — you’re trypting.

Then, at the end of the day when everyone’s finally left and there’s nothing to do but stuff yourself full of leftovers, treat yourself to one more fat binger. The ruse worked — you deserve it. 

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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