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SANTA BARBARA, CALIFORNIA — Grant McCallister Jr., 36, was enjoying his usual breakfast of black coffee paired with a bowl of homegrown Durban Poison on Sunday morning when he received a phone call from his 69-year-old mother, Virginia McCallister, who said she decided to call “completely out of the blue” just to check up.

But according to an anonymous eyewitness (definitely not Grant Sr.) who was present just moments before she made the call, Virginia was in fact not calling out of blue. Rather, she had grown concerned by information she’d read on Facebook detailing the microbial dangers of smoking weed from a dirty bong and had called to pressure her eldest child into adopting more hygienic smoking practices.

“Oh, you’re having breakfast? That’s so sweet,” she said before blurting out accusingly: “Please wash out your bong, baby, I can hear it in your voice — you’re holding in a dirty bong water burp!”

“Damnit I change the water like once a week, Mom,” Grant Jr. tried to lie but he was cut off by his concerned parent.

“I know people like to call it the ‘sticky-icky’ but that doesn’t mean it’s supposed to be literally icky, Grant.”

Grant then tried to steer the conversation to his upcoming work week but he was again interrupted: “You know, I’ve got a great project going right now—”

“Your little sister looks up to you so much. And you know, we found a beer can pipe in the trash after she and her friends partied here last weekend, and your father and I are really hoping you could speak with her about the risks of aluminum exposure and early onset Alzheimers!”

Graham is a cannabis writer & editor living in Portland, Oregon. He probably wouldn’t eat any of your fruit but that’s not your fault, he has allergies.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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