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Douglas W. Milnott, Sr. is a community organizer and dedicated plant parent from Plano, Texas.

As tax day approaches in these unprecedented times, I’m left with many questions. Things like affordable & universal healthcare, stimulus checks, and unemployment weigh heavy on so many of us, but I’m in a unique situation, and I know I’m not alone. I can’t be the only one wondering…  am I allowed to claim a weed plant as a dependent?

Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not some hippie looking for a handout, or trying to pull one over on “the man.” What I am is a loving man who is unable to have children of his own. But recently, I started growing my first weed plant on a whim. I don’t know what I was looking for when I started, but I’ll tell you what I’ve found: unconditional love. And I think that’s worth a tax break.

What I once thought would be a one-off hobby that could provide me with some medicinal benefits, turned out to be a life-changing experience: the way people talk about becoming a parent for the first time is exactly how I feel about my plant. I’ve never loved anything or anyone the way I love her — I think of her as a child, and myself a proud parent. This past year has been tough, and little Doug Jr. [women can be named Doug too, you know] has been my only source of joy. Through all the ups and downs, binge watching and binge eating, she has been by my side, and I couldn’t ask for a better daughter.

If real children get a tax credit, I think I should get one for my plant child, too. 

Financially, the last year’s been rough, so I figured it wouldn’t be a bad idea to try and claim her as a dependent — just because I didn’t birth my plant nine months after a night of careless, unprotected sex doesn’t make it any less dependent on me. I want to give her the best life possible, and I would like to raise more plants in the future. Perhaps a little pat on the back in the form of a tax break will enable me to fulfill my new dream of starting a family of weed plants. I would also love to find someone to raise them with me, but I know the IRS can’t do everything.

I’m not sure if they’ll be able to accommodate me, but I wanted to share my story nonetheless. All the joy she has brought me has made me feel rich in many ways, but a little extra assistance couldn’t hurt. Regardless of their decision, I will continue to treat and think of her as my flesh and blood. 

Johnny Sparkles is a Hawaii-born and based journalist, and stand up comedian whose debut album “Homeless Romantic” is available all over the internet. Twitter: @sparklesknows

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.