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SOUTHOLD, N.Y. — World renowned rocket scientist Dr. Quincy Bender’s older brother Chaz, who cruelly and loudly ratted out Quincy for smoking weed exactly once in high school in 2003, opened a new dispensary in downtown Southold this year, earning praise and accolades from family members far and wide.

“Chaz was always the dreamer and true visionary of the family,” said their mother Stacy Bender, standing outside of Bender’s Premium Cannabis at the store’s official grand opening. “He never got in trouble… whereas Quincy was always out smoking drugs and reading and building explosives or something stupid like that, from what I could tell. It’s so nice, as a mother, to be able to point to something one of my children did and say, ‘That’s made a difference in the world.’ All that parenting finally paid off into something worthwhile.” 

“The Bender name will now live on forever,” agreed Chaz & Quincy’s great uncle Melvyn, who made the trip from Queens to share in the celebration. “Sure, being an actual rocket scientist is fine, I guess, if all you want in life is to be some super-smart wang who writes books and leads scientific breakthroughs. But capitalizing on the hottest business to hit the world since the dot-com boom? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that’s just smart business.”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Quincy could not believe his eyes and ears.

“I literally smoked weed one time in high school and now I can’t even look at my dad’s ‘96 Camry, let alone be trusted to drive it when I’m in town,” said Quincy. “Our parents act like he just won the lottery and is the smartest man alive. And it’s infuriating, because I literally am the smartest man alive. I just defeated three supercomputers in chess simultaneously without falling into the traps of any of their non-standard gambit openings.”

Bender’s Premium Cannabis is offering a series of exclusive strains, including its flagship line of indica, “Bedwetter Quincy.” Others include “Shame of the Family Scientist,” “Widdle Baby Scaredy Bladder,” “Person Whose Name Rhymes With Mincy is Dumb,” “Pee Pants Puked In Hand Once,” and “My Astronaut Brother Used to Practice Kissing on a Framed Photo of Angela Lansbury as the Lady in ‘Murder She Wrote.’”

For his smart thinking, business savvy and “overall trustworthiness,” Chaz was awarded the key to the city by the mayor, which he graciously accepted. “I’d like to thank my brother, Quincy,” Chaz said, “for showing me how to be successful by failing at everything he’s ever done.”

“Goddamn it,” exclaimed Dr. Bender. “I literally work on top secret government projects.”

“Sure, Quincy has top government clearance,” Stacy said as she took a rip of “Widdle Baby Scaredy Bladder,” “but he lied.” 

Joe Rapp is an improviser, graphic designer and unknown local celebrity in Minneapolis, MN. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter @fakejoerapp

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

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