DENVER — With the legalization of cannabis in more states across the U.S., the fight for market share has ramped up, with a big push from larger, corporate weed growers to edge into the craft weed market.
“We here at WeedCorp found that the type of people who like to smoke cannabis are also the type who dislike larger corporations,” said WeedCorp CEO Jonathan Hayes. “Sure, we might have sold Agent Orange in the past, but those days are behind us now — all we want to do now is sell our special Agent Green, if you catch my drift.”
“Still, it’s kind of hard to sell to people who’d both like to burn one down and burn your company down,” he added. “People see our bud as essentially being the Bud Light of weed, when we’d rather be seen as, say, the Goose Island of fine cannabis commodities. Acquiring a couple dozen craft weed growers would really help synergize our ‘from our earth to your lungs’ market strategy in a way that appeals to our hip and young target demographic. I mean, sure — we are a big corporation, but so is Cracker Barrel. People seem to buy their folksy schtick, though.”
Unsurprisingly, independent & traditional craft growers object to this intrusion by corporate weed, vowing to fight back and maintain their integrity.
“As if margins weren’t already thin enough, now we suddenly have to compete with corporate weed?” said Gabby Liston, independent grower and operator of the cannabis collective Rocky Mountain High. “Those corporate types want to do one of two things: either buy us out, or flood the market with fancy names that sound like they came from independent manufacturers. Grandma Marley’s Own? Lane Kiffin? Did they even get permission to use these names?”
“Where’s the heart at WeedCorp? Do you think those guys are going to talk to their plants and give them the love they need? Probably not, unless their corporate retreat features an ayahuasca session,” agreed fellow grower Dani Barberio. “I think consumers will be able to see through their ruse. You can name your strain ‘Weedsus Loves You’ all you want, but the real Jesus was a hippie who spoke out against greed.”
WeedCorp and Hayes have promised that there would be no drop in quality resulting from any acquisition.
“While certain strains will be grown under new management, we promise things won’t change much. We bought this new strain simply called ‘Lou Bega,’ and let me tell you, that shit is a one-hit wonder and always will be,” Hayes said. “Besides, it’s not like these burnout losers can tell the difference anyway. Wait, you’re not including that last part in the interview, right?”
In related news, WeedCorp is allegedly in talks this week to purchase several independent cattle farms in an attempt to corner the potential legal psilocybin market.
Stephen is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stephenbell6/
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