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EDMONTON, Alberta — Seth Rogen’s cannabis company Houseplant announced this week that they will soon roll out a new slate of understated yet effective strains for the middle-of-the-road marijuana consumer to enjoy. Per usual, Rogen has teamed up with longtime writing partner Evan Goldberg for this “mass appeal” brand rollout effort.
“We are really excited to once again make weed more accessible and digestible to the average consumer,” said lead grow expert Mike Snider. “I’m particularly excited about one of the new ones called GreatSupporter: it won’t be the go-to, heavy-hitting, trendy bud on your shelf, but it will be solidly itself, pairing perfectly with a more popular, A-list strain.”
The company hopes in particular to take advantage of Canada’s lower minimum ages for consumption. Currently, in every province except Quebec, the age is either 18 or 19 to consume, and these relaxed restrictions position Houseplant as a potential lead in the teenage/buddy cannabis consumer market.
“Seth really knows his market,” said close friend and superstar Jonah Hill. “He knows that his strains are going to appeal to teenagers most, and in particular, teenage boys. And he’s smart to stay mostly in Canada with his production so he can capture that 18 or 19-year-old teenage boy spirit so well; for many, it will be their first foray into cannabis. I’m sure you remember the first time you saw… I mean, smoked, a Rogen bud.”
Rogen and his brand hope this return to what they know will help them recover from a few major missteps, including their attempt to dabble in the hyper-potent strain market — in which their “Green Insect” bud offering ended in complete failure.
“I know my brand’s limitations now,” said Rogen. “Never again will we deviate like that from who we are. If anything, we’re going to continue to mellow out our strains. Our early research shows that the Gen X/Boomer cusp market is wide open for wholesome, easy to smoke weed.”
Placed in the proper markets, the future of Houseplant looks bright. Rogen and his company even hinted at a possible future mentorship program, with Rogen as the director, attracting new, young cannabis brands to help usher them into the market.
Jay Shingle is a comedy performer and musician from the Pacific Northwest, and he is the creator of @ordinarypeoplememes on Instagram. You can follow him directly on Insta @jayshingle
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.