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EDMONDS, Wash. — On a recent tour of the U.S. West Coast’s best dispensaries, grow ops and cannabis production facilities, renowned travel writer and author Rick Steves was reportedly surprised to find that American hash is now as good as Amsterdam’s.
“When I first tried Amsterdam’s hash in the 1980s, I felt like I was in another universe — I never imagined legally doing the same thing in the U.S.,” explained Steves. “However, the repeal of outdated cannabis laws led to a cultural revolution. As evidenced by the development of these new solventless extracts, American acceptance of cannabis has birthed what will no doubt become a long-lasting legacy of innovation.”
“While I would have never expected something that started as ‘hair straightener dabs’ to compete with the long-established tradition of imported hashish in Amsterdam, the U.S. has clearly emerged as a leader in cannabis innovation,” Steves added. “And in America, hash is significantly easier to obtain without accidentally getting pissed on by a drunk backpacker.”
Perhaps unsurprisingly, Amsterdam Mayor Femke Halsema disputed Steves’ statement. “American hash is overpriced, and not even sold in a coffee shop that ironically has little to do with coffee,” Halsema said. “Nothing can compete with the true Amsterdam experience of getting high as fuck on quality hash and riding bikes through trippy tulip fields. And I’ll add, we don’t pee on each other here without asking for consent first.”
For their part, Washington State residents wear the designation with pride.
“The Skagit Valley Tulip Festival hit a slump due to the pandemic, and after reading Mr. Steves’ review, we realized branding ourselves as the New Amsterdam is a great way to bring in the younger crowd,” stated the festival’s promoter Jennifer Roozen. “We quickly coordinated with local dispensaries to offer high bicycle rides through a variety of flower fields, depending on what’s in season. It’s been a huge hit! Even if many tourists seem to get lost every day, along with our rental bikes…”
However, Steves, in reaffirming his love for Holland, stated that the U.S. has a long way to go in legalizing truffles before we can “truly talk shit to the Dutch.”
Christopher Jones is a writer and video producer for a variety of international brands and resides in a lovely New England town that is much nicer than where he grew up in Missouri. IG: @Chris_Jones_Creates
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.