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Albert Allspice is a chef and baker from Portland who quickly rose to international fame after winning the Oregon State Fair’s Gerry Frank Memorial Chocolate Cake Contest with the competition’s first cannabis-infused entry — landing himself as a contestant on The Great American Baking Show.
Alright, everyone, I think we can all agree that this show’s time limits are complete and total horseshit. How the fuck are we supposed to multitask to meet these conditions? Four hours to knead the dough, and bake the fucking cake? There’s no way we’re going to bake this all in time — especially when we’re baked as fuck. Let’s all take it to vote and make the judges change the rules. This is the American edition of this show, after all, so we the people should all at least have some say in how it’s run.
Wait, you guys aren’t baked? How the hell is this considered a bake-off if I’m the only one that scarfed down some clownie brownies this morning? I thought we all accidentally used salt instead of sugar, not just me. Shit — now I’m going to come in last! I should have known better when I saw all these contestants from random dry-ass places like Alabama and Kansas. On the West coast, it’s just chef’s code that we all work high as tits.
Oh well. At least we get to eat some cake at the end of the episode because these munchies are kicking in real hard. And I don’t care what that Limey fuck Paul Hollywood says — I dibs first bite of every cake.
Christopher Jones is a Chicago-based writer and video producer for Oregano, The Hard Times, and a variety of international brands.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.