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Ever since I found out that Martha Stewart was collaborating on cannabis projects with Snoop Dogg, I (and everyone else I know) have been waiting very, very patiently for her to release one of her classic, homestyle shows aimed specifically at crafty, DIY cannabis consumers like myself.

Thankfully, Martha has finally released “Building Beautiful Basket Bongs” — a 9-hour, step-by-step tutorial on turning old wicker baskets into smokable apparati. It is everything one would expect from the latest offering of the Martha Stewart Living omniverse, where while the journey is fascinating, the end result is not very useful and a little out-of-reach for the average consumer.

First and foremost, viewers learn the best tips and tricks for finding the wicker baskets at your mom’s house in that crawl space under the stairs in the box labeled “Old Shirts” that was repurposed about 4 years ago. From there, Martha shows you how to unravel said baskets into long, pliable twigs, and coil them into the shape of a bong.

As a decorative piece for the corner of a room, I guess they’re nice? I’m not sure where the Venn Diagram of “people who would have decorative wicker art” and “people who would have decorative bongs” overlaps, but sure. Fine.

But, sadly, a wicker bong is about as useful as you’d expect — it reminds me of that time we let my friend Jay Berry roll a blunt while driving, and it immediately crumbled in my hands and the weed fell all over the backseat of my mom’s car (fun fact: I remember that wicker basket I dismantled was in the car that day for some reason. Weird). It was a very bad blunt. Likewise, this wicker bong? A very bad bong. Very bad. Like, it’s made of sticks. It’s not sealed in any way, and then you’re expected to light it on fire?

So, yeah… I made a forest fire in my living room, ruined my mom’s favorite basket, and wasted an eighth of weed — my wicker bong had a massive bowl for some reason. But, the show is super entertaining! Snoop Dogg showed up and they ordered pizza, which was great. 10/10. 

I watched the show. I made the bong. It didn’t work. But the real wicker bong was the friends we made along the way, right?

*Note: Reviewer smoked before watching show, which may have affected the results.

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.