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LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — After many weeks of careful consideration, California has named Hollywood celebrity Gwyneth Paltrow as the first license recipient under the state’s Cannabis Social Equity Program for her original cannabis company, GOOP DANK. Each applicant was considered for their social background, forward mindsets, and the disproportionate impact cannabis prohibition has had on their career, freedoms, and livelihood.
According to an inside source at the Bureau of Cannabis Control, it was discovered that since launching GOOP, Paltrow and her company have been repeatedly targeted by harsh criticism online, including accusations that her products are merely “snake oil for vaginas,” and in some cases, allegations that the entire organization is a “scam.”
State officials realized that the copious amount of animosity directed toward the actress-turned-entrepreneur could only be possible in a world where cannabis access had been systematically hampered for decades. Additionally, it became clear to state officials that the bravery Paltrow displayed in following her heart and selling that which she knew would be best for her followers, despite what the haters or scientists said, had cemented GOOP DANK as a responsible and forward-thinking brand.
“I was deeply touched to learn about how hard Mrs. Paltrow’s life has been and all of the obstacles she’s had to overcome in her career,” said California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D). “It warms my heart to see Mrs. Paltrow receive our first cannabis social equity license and to be able to uplift women everywhere.”
Paltrow said following the announcement that she dreams of taking the cannabis industry to “the next level” by creating strains that “smell like my vagina.”
GOOP DANK is set to launch next month featuring fresh new strains named, “Yoni Glow,” “Poosy,” and “G-Spot.”
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.