SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Gwyneth Paltrow’s vanity wellness brand Goop released its line of CBD-infused crystals last week, which consumers, analysts, and Goop executives alike all confirm do literally nothing.

“We’ve already been selling healing crystals that do nothing for years, and since people are all about CBD now, this seemed like the natural progression,” stated Goop’s R&D lead Sarah Kitt. “We took our standard, useless crystals, and just dunked them in CBD before packaging. The power of suggestion and placebo effect seems to garner a strong reaction from people, though — we’ve had some customers tell us they’re getting “psychically ripped,” while others have been so offended by the use of cannabis that they stopped buying anything else from our worthless catalogue of designer crap endorsed by an actress that makes you go, ‘Who is that, again?’” 

Kitt has since come under fire for stealing a few crystals to keep in her house, “just in case somebody comes over with a pile of paper files in 2021, and somebody else opens a window, and it’s breezy outside, and we get a mini-tornado in here like it’s 1958 or something, and then I need to hold those papers down with some dumb, overpriced rock that allegedly has CBD in it.”

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.